Why do most marriages fail?

I mentioned Sunday in my message that more than half of marriages (even Christian marriages) end in divorce these days. Our prayer is to be a church that helps marriages thrive and prepares young adults for a healthy (not perfect) marriage. I also told you I’d be linking some resources this week that’ll help you in marriage as well as prepare for marriage. Here are some resources

The single most effective thing you can do to decrease your odds of divorce: Pray together. Check out this article from a non-Christian website. It’s amazing even the world sees the benefit of praying together. It’s almost like God knew how marriage should work. Here are some simple ways to begin praying together starting from low pressure to more intimate praying together.

  1. Pray over meals together. It’s an easy low pressure start to a together prayer life.

  2. Start talking about what you’re each praying for. List some things you’re both praying for together. I hope you’re journalling your prayer life.

  3. Pray together over your children. Nothing should bring you together like your kids. Take turns praying together out loud over your kids. Maybe one night is mom’s night another is dad’s night to lead the family in prayer.

  4. Get in the habit of praying together at bed time. This is the most private part of your marriage. It can also be awkward to start. However, this can be a game changer. You can’t pray together without dealing with issues and tension. This is why it’s such a powerful antidote to divorce.

Another reason most marriages fail is the husband and wife never saw a healthy marriage modeled in their family of origin. I’ve shared publicly I was raised by a single mother. I never witnessed a healthy husband/wife relationship as a child, at least not up close. What I did see were healthy couples at church. This helped in so many ways. If your family of origin lacks healthy models of marriage you need to get around some healthy couples. At our church we have numerous small groups focused on relationships led by couples who are honest about their past. In the New Testament the older men and women were encouraged to mentor the younger men and women. Who is helping you see the potential in your marriage? Doing life alone is unnecessary and really unhealthy. Find some marriage mentors. If you’re single find a couple that’s a generation ahead of you that models the type of marriage you hope to enjoy one day. Healthy marriages don’t just happen. They require effort and work over a lifetime.

When a marriage is in trouble, too often we pretend things are okay or worse, ignore the issues. At our church we share publicly that our pastors aren’t professional marriage counselors. We encourage people to reach out and meet with a pastor, but know that our pastors will refer them to a good Christian marriage counselor and even pay for the first session. It’s okay not to be okay, it’s not okay to stay that way. Find help.

Finally most marriages fail because they start with a shaky foundation. I’ll actually speak more on this next weekend at church. When Casie and I got married in 2006 we had pre-marital counseling, but it was weak at best. Today I expect any couple who’s wedding I’m going to officiate to complete a few weeks of work through a marriage work book with me. There are numerous resources, but my favorite is this one. You’ll notice I linked the workbook. The book is great too. However, the work required to answer the questions in the workbook (separate from your fiancee) are really good. They force you to consider your assumptions about marriage and your future spouse.

There’s so much more I could add, but for this week I’ll stop here. Praying you have a healthy, life-giving marriage.

Proverbs 18:22: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

-Pastor Marc

The 4 layers of sin????

Sunday I mentioned in my message a metric of 4 layers of sin that early church fathers used to help guide our growth in sanctification. Many asked me for more details and how to deal with these sin structures in ourselves. I'm attaching a graphic I found helpful put together by a church on the west coast. The graphic relays which sins we often deal with at different stages of spiritual maturity. I borrowed this graphic from Practicing the Way, a ministry of Pastor John Mark Comer (who was the first preacher I heard mention the 4 layers of sin).

Reminder, in general…

Gross sin (as defined by the early church fathers) include the sins God's Word and culture universally condemn (think murder, theft, rape, abuse).

Conscious sin is sin defined by the Bible, but maybe culture applauds (think greed, porn, sexual deviance). These are behaviors we embrace, knowingly.

Unconscious sins are inward sins (think hate, jealousy, greed, os sins of wrong motivation). You no longer acts out on them, but they’re there. They may even motivate your behavior.

Trust Structures are things that displace God as our ultimate hope (money, self-reliance to the point of self-worship, misplaced identity). M. Robert Mulholland Jr. calls them: “Deep seated attitudes and inner orientations of our being out of which our behavior patterns flow… those deep inner postures of our being that do not rely on God but on self for our well-being.” Dealing with trust structures requires deep inner work of the Holy Spirit. Many of us carry unknown wounds and trauma that inform our thinking. God longs to free us even from these unhealthy trust structures.

The graphic also outlines typical prayer lives for someone at each stage. The point of a tool like this isn’t to discourage or speed up sanctification. It simply allows us to gauge or growth as believers. Ideally you see yourself growing through the years in relationship with God to the point you see these as milestones you’ve passed as the Holy Spirit guides you through life change.

Dealing with each of these requires the self awareness to see where you are. Honestly assessing our immaturity and acknowledging our involvement in gross sin (Paul’s lists and culture overlap here). We need to own it and make strides to grow around mature believers. Allow accountability and confession to be regular parts of our life. If conscious sin is a struggle, it may take more time allowing God’s Word to be the truth for your life instead of your feelings or culture’s indifference. A relationship and submission to God’s Word is the best pathway to tread. If unconscious sin is where we find ourselves it relays an understanding of what to avoid (we’ve made sure not to act out too much), but could also signify hypocrisy. Jesus was indignant toward the Pharisees precisely because they knew how to act outwardly, but inwardly they were ravening wolves. Moving beyond unconscious or inward sin requires deep work that isn’t easy. It may takes years of humble prayer and willing submission to God’s thoughts and will. Of course the final level is trust structures and may take our entire lives for Jesus to unravel in our hearts. Often we don’t even see their grip on our hearts until we are mid-life. An abiding faith in the face of crisis, suffering and pain will lead us to deal with these inner trust issues we may have inherited, built or unwittingly created in our hearts. The good news is Jesus beckons us follow on as He transforms us all the way to our inner most self. The bad news is our corrupt hearts tend to encourage us to stop where we are on the journey. Press on.

Tools like this aren't universal or even biblical. They're simply helpful. They can show us maybe where we need to allow God to change us. God is always at work and often it takes a lifetime to allow Him to do the inner work we resist in our lives. If you enjoy navigating these types of stage/step patterns, I found another resource here from a church in New York. It mentions a wall that many believers face. This is typically where deconstruction or all out abandoning of faith begins. Again these are tools and resources, these don't always apply across the board. I hope tools like this help us deal with our tendency to resist God's call for inner change to our lives.

Blessings

Pastor Marc

Fourteen Spiritual Disciplines

Last Sunday we focused on the changes that a renewed mind will make in our lifestyle. I mentioned in the message that there are 13-14 spiritual disciplines depending on your source that believers have embraced for generations. Here’s a list I found online:

Seven Disciplines of Abstinence — Letting go — (I Peter 2:11– putting off)

1. Solitude - Spending time alone with God. In our incredibly busy times, we need to prioritize alone time in the audience of One. This is indispensable to spiritual growth. Perhaps we must let go of some of our busyness.

2. Fasting - Abstaining from food to express our dependence on God. Fasting is meant to be an act of humbling oneself before God to seek His help and deliverance. It is often associated with repentance (Deuteronomy 8:3-5; Matthew 4:2;6:16-18).

3. Denial - Intentionally denying yourself certain legitimate pleasures to find your sufficiency in God and/or a higher fulfillment in God (Matthew 16:24-26).

4. Sacrifice - Giving of ourselves and our resources beyond what seems reasonable to express our dependency on God (time/service/money). C.S. Lewis wrote, "… if our expenditure on comforts, luxuries, amusements, etc., is up to the standard common among those with the same income as our own, we are probably giving away too little. If our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, I should say they are too small. There ought to be things we should like to do and cannot because our charitable expenditure excludes them" (see: Matthew 6:24; Luke 17:10).

5. Secrecy - Living before an audience of one and doing things without others knowing about it (Matthew 6:5-6; 25:34-40; Philippians 2:3; Hebrews 6:10).

6. Simplicity - Learning to live with less. Meeting basic needs with joy and contentment (see: Proverbs 30:7-9; 1 Timothy 6:6-8). "We resolve to renounce waste and oppose extravagance in personal living, clothing and housing, travel and church buildings. We also accept the distinction between necessities and luxuries, creative hobbies and empty status symbols, modesty and vanity, occasional celebrations and normal routine, and between the service of God and slavery to fashion. Where to draw the line requires conscientious thought and decision by us, together with members of our family." (Lausanne Committee for World Evangelization).

7. Silence - Talking less and listening more. Being quiet before the Lord and others (Psalm 23:2; Isaiah 30:15; James 1:19). This is a lost but needed discipline.

Seven Disciplines of Activity—Engagement– (Romans 13:12-14; Ephesians 6:10-12— Putting on)

1. Study - Reading, meditating on and investigating the Scriptures. Nourishing your soul on God's Word (Deuteronomy 8:3; Psalm 19,119: I Timothy 3:16-17; Hebrews 4:12). Study Christ - in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Col 2:2-4).

2. Worship - Offering wholehearted praise to God (contra. Matthew 15:8); giving God glory; exalting God by declaring His excellencies/praises (I Peter 2:9; Psalm 95:6-7; Revelation 5:11-14). Use psalms, hymns, spiritual songs - "singing and making music in your hearts to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:18-19).

3. Prayer - Pouring out your heart to God in: Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication (Ps. 62:8; | Peter 5:7; Phil. 4:5-7; Hebrews 4:16 - invitations to come to God. "Draw near to God..." (James 4:8; see: Psalm 73:25-28)

4. Fellowship - Mutual caring and ministry in the body of Christ. Trying to live for Jesus disconnected from a body of believers is to neglect a key resource for spiritual growth (Ephesians 4:11-16; Hebrews 10:23-25).

5.Submission - Humbling yourself before God and others-being accountable (Psalm 51:17: James 4:7: I Peter 5:5-6: Hebrews 13:17)

6.Service - God intends for us to find our greatest joy in giving our time, talent and resources for the benefit of others (Mark 10:45; Luke 17:10; John 13:13-17; Galatians 5:13; Ephesians 4:16; Philippians 2:3-8).

7. Witnessing - Inviting others to believe on Christ. Jesus said, "As the Father has sent me- so send | you" (John 20:21; See also: Matthew 5:13-16; 28:19-20; Acts 1:8).

Dallas Willard divides the disciplines into two classes: disciplines of abstinence (solitude, silence, fasting, frugality, chastity, secrecy, and sacrifice) and disciplines of engagement (study, worship, celebration, service, prayer, fellowship, confession, and submission). The point is there are many habits and disciplines that shape our activity and heart for a life of honoring God.

20 quotes on prayer

"Our prayers may be awkward. Our attempts may be feeble. But since the power of prayer is in the one who hears it and not in the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference." - Max Lucado

“To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing.” – Martin Luther

"True prayer is a way of life, not just for use in cases of emergency. Make it a habit, and when the need arises you will be in practice." - Billy Graham

“A day without prayer is a day without blessing, and a life without prayer is a life without power.” – Edwin Harvey

“True prayer is neither a mere mental exercise nor a vocal performance. It is far deeper than that – it is a spiritual transaction with the Creator of Heaven and Earth.” – Charles Spurgeon

“I pray, not wish because I have God, not a genie.”

"She (my mother) became a warrior far superior to any epic hero. She became a giant on her knees. With a sword in one hand she battled the enemies of death and disease, and with her other hand stretched toward heaven she kept beseeching God’s help and His mercy." - Bishop T.D. Jakes 

The value of persistent prayer is not that He will hear us but that we will finally hear Him. — William McGill.

“Prayer makes a godly man, and puts within him the mind of Christ, the mind of humility, of self-surrender, of service, of pity, and of prayer. If we really pray, we will become more like God, or else we will quit praying.” – E.M. Bounds

"Prayer lays hold of God's plan and becomes the link between his will and its accomplishment on earth. Amazing things happen, and we are given the privilege of being the channels of the Holy Spirit's prayer." - Elisabeth Elliot

“It is possible to move men, through God, by prayer alone.” – Hudson Taylor

"Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?" - Corrie ten Boom

“To desire revival… and at the same time to neglect (personal) prayer and devotion is to wish one way and walk another.” – A.W. Tozer

“Pray hardest when it’s hardest to pray.”

"If your day is hemmed in with prayer, it is less likely to come unraveled." - Cynthia Lewis

“I saw more clearly than ever, that the first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day was, to have my soul happy in the Lord.” – George Mueller

"We are to pray in times of adversity, lest we become faithless and unbelieving. We are to pray in times of prosperity, lest we become boastful and proud. We are to pray in times of danger, lest we become fearful and doubting. We are to pray in times of security, lest we become self-sufficient." - Billy Graham

“Prayer is the open admission that without Christ we can do nothing. And prayer is the turning away from ourselves to God in the confidence that He will provide the help we need. Prayer humbles us as needy and exalts God as wealthy.” John Piper

“No one has failed who keeps trying and keeps praying.”

“God does nothing but by prayer, and everything with it.” – John Wesley

Stories of Answered Prayer

In a few days our church will begin 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting. Like most churches we believe there is power in submitting to God through prayer. In my life prayer can be hard because I love doing. Prayer seems counterintuitive. Prayer is the refusal to do, move, go and achieve. It’s the quiet surrender of our most valued resource: time.

Augustine said it well: Pray as though everything depended on God; work as though everything depended on you. -

I’d like to encourage you with 3 stories of answered prayer in my own personal life. I’ll keep to brief, but these were huge answers to big problems in my life.

God I am broke, but I trust You

I was 23 years old. My wife and I were newlyweds struggling to make ends meet. I had 3 jobs. Two were blue collar hourly wage jobs and one was my job at the church plant we were helping. My focus and passion was church ministry. However, I had bills to pay. Many nights I would work at one job until 3am, only to head to the next job at 5am. It wasn’t sustainable. I began praying about quitting one of my jobs. I knew that ministry was my calling. Between the other 2 jobs there was a huge difference in pay. The night job (7pm-3am) paid $14/hr but the early morning job (5am-10am) only paid $10/hr. I prayed and prayed and determined to trust God. My goal wasn’t to just quit and be lazy. I’d be committing more time to the new church I was working at. I gave my notice at the night job. I felt sure i was making a huge financial mistake. A few days later I was called into the terminal manager’s office at my morning job. He explained corporate had decided to give everyone in my department a 40% raise. I knew in that moment I could trust God. My pay at the morning job was now the same as the evening job. What’s more I became eligible for some of the best benefits on the planet regardless of how many hours I worked. God is so good. I kept that job for 15 years. I only recently left to spend more time with our son (more on that later).

God we have no options. It’s Your problem now

I was 30 years old. We were in the early stages of planning and launching Restore Church. This was before our public launch, before we had a staff, before we had a building. Restore was an idea at best. At this point Casie and I had gathered a launch team to start the church. A few dozen friends and family had committed to help us start a church from scratch. It’s basically a wild idea now that I’m typing it. Anyway the launch team was forming. We were gathering weekly to pray, plan and prepare for this new church. It was fall and our cookouts were getting chilly. We had run out of room in my home so we met at a few local spots in town. Then we lost those spots. Some closed, others were closed to us. I had a team that needed to meet, but nowhere to meet. I remember walking in my yard and having a nervous break down. I prayed and told God “If You want a church here it’s Your problem to solve. I can’t solve this.” A few hours later a local pastor I’d never met reached out to me on Twitter. He explained he felt moved to offer me the use of his building until we launched the church. As we stared at each other across our coffees I explained our situation. He said “God wants this church to start. He’s got a solution. That’s why I’m here.” The rest is history. We met at Forward Church pre-launch, launched in the Sports Hall and grew, then bought our facility in 2017. Every. Single. Step. Required dependence upon God. He always came through.

Some people don’t get their miracle baby

I was 34 years old. At this point many of our church people knew that Casie and I desired to have children, but the path had been hard. We had seen God move and there were miracle babies in our church on Port Centre Pkwy, but not in our home on Tyler Crescent.

Through the years we’d tried everything. First it was drugs and treatments. Then surgery. Finally we were attempting multiple rounds of IVF. If you don’t know what IVF is it’s a very expensive option of last resort for couples who can’t conceive. I cried the first time it failed. I was numb by the 2nd round of IVF. When the 3rd round failed our doctors told us it was time to accept that we could never have children. I wish I prayed, but at that point I was too angry to talk to God. I just mourned and moved on. My wife and our friends kept praying.

One day Kevin told me he’d been praying. I was tired of hearing people feel sorry for us. I explained that we weren’t the only couple without kids. I even mentioned a couple that to this day can conceive. I said “I’m ok. People just need to accept that not everyone gets their miracle baby.” Poor Kevin. How can you respond to that. He wasn’t alone though. My wife, our parents and many others kept praying.

In 2020 when the world came to a screeching halt my wife went to her doctor for an exam. They noticed some abnormalities and ask if she would take a pregnancy test. Casie laughed and shared why we couldn’t have kids. The doctor acknowledged, but said it would just help them rule out bigger tests if they could have her take a pregnancy test. They made her take 2. They said it was because the first didn't read. The real reason was they didn’t want her to get excited for a false positive. The nurse showed her both positive tests and said bloodwork confirmed the good news. Seven months later our son was born happy and healthy. He is a miracle that we can’t explain. Our fertility doctors can’t explain it either. God is good.

What’s your story? Do you have answered prayer you’d be willing to share? Let us know in the comments.

Have a prayer request? Let us know here

Trusting God in an evil world

Our series through the book of Habakkuk walks us through a familiar scenario. The people of God are not only surrounded by wickedness, they’re embracing wicked behavior (sacrificing babies to false gods). We find a prophet calling out to God and asking if He cares or sees. Habakkuk can’t believe God would watch this without judgment.

Habakkuk asks God:

Where are You?

Do You see all this wickedness?

How long will we wait for justice?

God responds:

I am doing more than you would believe.

I’m raising up Babylon to judge Judah.

In our week one message, Pastor Marc wrestles with this tension. Watch below.

Hearing this Habakkuk is angered and perplexed. He begins to question God. Isn’t it encouraging to see that we aren’t alone in our struggle to understand God. Habakkuk moves from “God do something!” to “God don’t do it that way!” How quick we are to tell God how and what we think He should do.

Habakkuk says to God:

We are bad, but Babylon is worse.

How could you use them to judge us?

How long will you allow them to judge us and harm others?

In week 2 Pastor Marc focuses on 3 common responses to God’s judgment. Watch below:

HOW TO HONOR OUR PARENTS

On Mother’s Day Pastor Marc delivered a message on honoring our parents. You can watch the message here.

Below is an overview of his main ideas:

Western Society is weird. We honor youth and beauty, but not age and wisdom. African, Middle-Eastern and Asian cultures value and honor age and wisdom. The elderly are not just respected, they’re honored. The church should be full of honor for parents and grandparents.

Before we begin I love this statement from a christian blogger relating to honor:

The word “honor” does not mean that we tolerate abuse and obey our parents like mindless robots. It does not mean we have to love parents who chose to abandon, reject, or harm us. The original Hebrew word kābēd used for the word for honor has many meanings according to the New Interpreter’s Bible, including to "be heavy.” This definition can be interpreted as “giving weight to” or seriously considering a relationship. It does not suggest being subordinate or obedient to parents who harm us.

Honoring our parents is a bliblcal command.

Exodus 20:12 commands it. Deuteronomy 5:16 Reiterates it. In Ephesians 6:1-4 Paul reminds us it’s a command with a promise “that your life may be long.”

Another reason God expects us to honor parents is because God identifies as a parent to the orphan, caretaker for the widow and provider for the refugee in passages like Deuteronomy 10:18, Psalm 68:5 and Psalm 146:9.

God also gives us specific instruction how to honor our parents. In Proverbs 23:22-25 we see that we are to listen (even if we don’t agree), spend time with them and be diligent to observe the teaching and truth they offered. Allow them to rejoice. Enjoy when they take pride in your accomplishments (however small your accomplishments may seem to you).

Then Jesus Himself illustrates perfect honor when He cares for Mary at His death. In John 19:25-30 we find Jesus speaking on the cross. He made 7 famous statements as He died. When HE spoke He fulfilled prophecy, offered mercy to His persecutors and cried out to God. But in the middle He tells John to care for His mother Mary. She’s likely a widow by now (Joseph was older than Mary). John is a wealthy follower of Jesus and a close friend. Jesus is paying for the sins of the world, but He’s not too busy to make sure His mom is cared for. From that day on John took Mary home and cared for her as his own mother.

In 1 Timothy 5:1-8 Paul instructs the church that caring for aging parents is a familial responsibility. He says anyone who won’t provide for their family is worse than an unbeliever. His instructions concerning widows make clear the church will step up, but only if there’s no family to provide care and relief.

Practically speaking:

We honor people with our words

We honor people with our actions

We honor people with our time

Spiritually speaking:

We honor our parents by praying for them

We honor our parents by providing for them

We honor our parents by facing and dealing with pain they cause (don’t ignore it and repeat it).

We honor our parents by forgiving them.